thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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