yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
