Porn is love you can see.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
