I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
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