You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
