Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
