There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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