hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
