Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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