matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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