Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
