She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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