my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Randomize
