I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
