I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
