Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
