I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
