i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
