I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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