just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
