She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
