my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
fuck your aforementioned shoe
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
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