She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
