I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
