Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
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