if you like me you must not know who I am
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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