Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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