I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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