Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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