i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
