youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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