So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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