I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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