If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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