i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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