i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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