i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
