To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
