She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
