I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
He passed out mid-signature
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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