You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
