Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
