i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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