Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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