if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Randomize
