he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
