i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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