walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
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