Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
