So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
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