We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
